Warning: totally real, raw, not sugarcoated blog post coming up...
I really wish I had something fabulous to blog about this week. I wish I could say that we went on a fabulous field trip or did something inspiring to help the needy. The truth is we had a crappy week. Each of my girls is extremely challenging right now. Usually, I'm only dealing with one kid's issues at a time, but now I'm getting the triple assault. I'm barely keeping my head above water. My oldest is a hormonal hot mess. She goes from smiling and making jokes to sulky and hateful in less than 30 seconds. My middle daughter is having a really hard time with some aspects of school, especially math, and she is often frustrated and tearful. Cora, the baby, is still, at 6 years old, into everything. She disobeys me 9 times out of 10.
I honestly wonder where I've gone wrong. I've loved and adored them since the day they were born. I would say they are overindulged, but certainly not spoiled. What I mean is that they have everything they need and more than enough extra, but they don't have every single thing they ask for and all the latest gadgets the other kids have. We spend lots of one-on-one time together. We have a wonderful church. They are kind and loving children. People compliment me on their behavior and character. I feel like we've been consistent, mostly, with their teaching and discipline. Our homeschool is strenuous, and I require a lot of them. Not to the point of being impossible, of course, but I take this seriously, and I expect them to as well. They are bright children. I'm nowhere near perfect. Who is? I lose my temper too much. I fuss too much. But I am also always telling and showing them how much I love them and how smart and kind and important they are. I want to think I'm doing a good job. And their daddy is wonderful! He adores them and me. So why are these things going wrong?
Well, the answer is easy. They aren't perfect either. They are just little people with flaws and shortcomings and needs that are different than other people. They are my babies, entrusted to me by my Father, to raise up to be women of God. That's a big undertaking. But I'm up for it. I've been doing it for 11 years, and I'm not giving up now.
So for now, I've got to keep two things in mind. Number one, most important, is GRACE. Last week, God spoke to me loud and clear during worship at church. Anna had given us a fit all weekend, and we had decided not to let her go on the youth skating trip after church. She was so hurt, but I think she understand why. During worship, God said to me, "Nakia, I've shown you grace when you didn't deserve it. I've even heaped blessing upon your life when you didn't deserve it. Can't you do the same for Anna?" WHOA! Talk about putting me in my place, lol. So, Patrick and I talked and decided to let her go. The 2nd thing I need to keep in mind is that I must see my girls as God sees them. He sees them as beautiful precious daughters worthy of all the love and grace and mercy He (and I) can give them. He sees Anna as a strong independent girl who stands firm in her beliefs, more firm than most 11 year olds I know. He sees Emma as kind and compassionate and someone who thinks through situations before diving in; she is thoughtful, cautious, and wise beyond her 8 years. He sees Cora as a lively, happy go lucky child who understands things more deeply than most 6 year olds. All of them are going to do something great for His kingdom.
God is teaching me through these precious girls. Patience, of course, though I question if I will ever get there. But also that they aren't mine alone; they are His, and He actually trusts me to have them for 18 years. I have an amazing gift, and I want to treasure every minute of it. I am blessed beyond measure. So please remember us your prayers. We're running the race with our eye on the goal. <3